Hi, Peter Griffin here. Ya know what really grinds my gears? Ketchup. Right when I wanna’ squirt some out of the bottle, there’s gotta be a ketchup waterfall first. I mean, I’m an educated man, but there’s some things I’m just confused and turned on about. Like, what.. is the ketchup that hot sittin’ there in my cold refrigerator it has to sweat all over my hamburger bun?
Another thing that grinds my gears are all these teenagers gettin’ discovered off of youtube and gettin’ record deals. It happened with one prepubescent girl, aka Justin Bieber, and then suddenly everybody is postin’ videos up there. I mean, what is that music doin’ for me, huh? I’ll tell you what it’s doin’ ..nothin’. You hear this silence? ........... you hear that? .......... that’s what that music does for me. ........ nothin’. I think I’d rather kiss an H1N1-infected pig smack on the lips, than listen to that Bieber girl sing about being deeply in love at the age of 7.
One last thing that grinds my gears is people tryin’ to start a whole conversation with me through textin’. If I actually wanted to engage in a real conversation with you, I would simply get in the car, turn it on, drive down the road, realize I just accidentally stole the car I’m drivin’, continue down the road anyways, pick up a few cupcakes from the cupcakery that’s next to that old connivence store where that tragic lemonade sale took place, go to your house, and THEN I would talk to ya’. No, not with the use of a telephone. We all know that “tele” is actually French for “don’t,” “pho” means “text,” and “ne” means “me” ...which translates to, “don’t friggin’ text me like I’m a friggin’ robot, jackass.”
And that’s it for tonight. Tune in tomorrow night to find out what else grinds my gears. Yeah, that’s right.. I’m lookin’ at you Miley Cyrus.
No comments:
Post a Comment